It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
