I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
