People in love make me want to vomit
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
