I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
