I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
