do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He has the fingertips of a God
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