i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
