seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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