my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
