Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
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My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
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we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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