Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
