My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
