Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
