How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
