I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
