Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
