The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
