My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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