they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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