i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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