Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
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