I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
