I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
