I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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