well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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