8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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