I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
How external is "for external use only"?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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