I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
