got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
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apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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