ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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