I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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