Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
