I am midnight drunk by noon
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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