I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i've created a new STD.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
