I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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