I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
