I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
