Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
