i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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