Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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