your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
