i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
