I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
