did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
