Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
