i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
