Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
