Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
