Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
