I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize