closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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