My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I am mentally ready for anal.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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