some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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