i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Drunk walkin through police station. America
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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