I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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