He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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