have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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